Brace Face

Teen years. Acne, high school, college, puberty, and worst of all braces. Let’s talk about those little fuckers. They hurt, they stab your cheeks, make you starve, and put you at #0 on the attractiveness scale of #1-#10. Braces are just simply a pain in the ass. The Orthodontist always promises you that you will have them off in 2 years, but they lie! We all fall prisoner to those teeth loving bastards at some point in our lives. Man you get your braces on in the year 2006 and next thing you know it’s 2016 and they’re still on you. You go to your follow up hoping today is the day, you know cause last time the Orthodontist told you it was, but you fool! You go in and the Orthodontist is like “Hey your teeth are looking great, come back in 6 months for a follow-up.” You just cringed and die a little inside.

Now I had mine when I was in the 3rd grade; thank god, so honestly I was already a goofy little one as it was so I had no care in the world, but now-a-days you see 60-year-old’s with them. Like could you imagine being 60 with braces? I mean hey good for you get those straight teeth, spend $5k on something you’ll only have for a few more years.

And then there are people like my aunt. People with to much mula to handle. My aunt is an Orthodontist and already had great teeth, but one day thought “Hey why not be 45 with braces” and she glued those suckers on her pearly whites. I just don’t understand. I think she just likes to spend money to be honest, but I mean if you have the money then have at it! You’d think wealthy/average people with perfect teeth wouldn’t keep spending money on something that doesn’t need more work, right? WRONG.

It’s acceptable to be in your late teens and have braces, because we all know a majority of us who had braces when we were young did not follow the rules. Our parents may have hated us for wasting their money the first time, but hey it wasn’t our money! We ate as much if not more junk food than we did before we had braces and we never wore those damn retainers. The dog ate them right? So basically having braces in your late teens is pretty much attractiveness giving you a second chance just this time don’t fuck it up or you’ll be that 60-year-old brace face.

Remember going through the retainer making process. Oh my god was it awful. They would stick your mouth full of gooey bubble gum flavored crap. Man that stuff would always make you feel like you were choking and not to mention the flavor and left over particles that would remain in your mouth for the rest of the day. Man I hated that. Oh and can’t forget about the expander, always having to lay of the floor with your neck in a position that would practically feel like it would snap at any moment and your parents full hand in your mouth with the twister thing trying to tighten it. Those were the days. We were all so blessed.

Really though everyone who needed braces and has/had them are blessed. There are many out there who probably wish they had the opportunity and I am 100% grateful for my parents. If it wasn’t for them I’d still have my hella messed up teeth. Teeth that put me at #0 way before I got braces. Proud to say I was not only “four eyes” but also “brace face.”




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